By PJ Letourneau - Autism and Plant Medicine Blogger, Senior Software Engineer, and Neurodiverse Human

Cannabis has had a profound influence on my ability to connect with others as someone on the autism spectrum.

Throughout my marriage, I had found it difficult to relax and connect with my wife. I was frustrated much of the time that I didn’t feel aligned with her.

Until I burned out and sought out medicinal cannabis as a treatment to soothe my overtaxed nervous system.

When I first started using cannabis, the very first night I first took a cannabis tincture, in fact, I had a startling experience. I could look my wife in the eyes, and sense a deep empathy with her emotional state. It was the first time in years. Maybe … ever.

I Vividly Recall That Night

I was in a deep depression, and my wife had expressed that she was reaching a breaking point in our relationship. I was in a survival mode, and it wasn’t sustainable for our family (me, my wife, and our 2-year-old son, who is now 4). I had gone to a cannabis dispensary, which was in many ways a walk of shame for me. My father used cannabis, and what did it do for him? He seemed ashamed of it. So, I should too, right? But I kept wondering if there was more to cannabis if my experience of becoming obsessed with it in high school meant that I was responding to it deeply, but perhaps I just didn’t know how to use it properly. It was legal now, and I could be fully transparent about using it with my wife. I took maybe 5 mg of THC in an “indica” tincture.

When the tincture kicked in, I noticed I just wanted to spend time with my wife. She was working on something and wanted my feedback, and I had so much capacity for that conversation. Much more than I usually did. She looked at me a bit astonished as I asked her probing questions, and sat fascinated with her answers. It felt so good.

Later in the evening, our conversation moved to the more emotional territory. And instead of being defensive, or evasive, I felt myself engaging with her directly. I actually wanted to talk about it. I remember looking into her eyes and seeing a deep exhaustion in her. She was holding so much emotion around our relationship, so much unresolved frustration, so much unmanifested hope. It brings tears to my eyes now to write this, because I have so much grief at not being able to connect with her the way I wanted.

In that moment, I did have the capacity to connect. I described to her a great wall I was sensing around myself, something I had built for protection. But the wall also prevented me from connecting. I told her how sorry I was that this wall stood between us. Gah more tears right now.

I Have So Much Pain Around This 

With the wall lowered for a minute, I could feel her. Both the aspects that I wanted to connect with and the aspects that were painful. And I felt relief, even in the pain, because finally, I could connect. And I was starving, absolutely starving for that connection. 

I wondered to myself: How did I go so long in my marriage — we had been together more than 18 years at that point — without having this experience? Or perhaps I used to have it with her, and it dissipated over time. I was heartbroken in recognizing all those years that this connection was always available for me, and I just didn’t have the ability to feel it.

I Wish I Could Go Back In Time, To When I Was In High School Trying Cannabis For The First Time.

I want to say to myself:

You have found a powerful medicine, and your obsession with it is a sign of its power for you. But you need to separate it from your shame, and your father’s shame. You can learn to use this medicine to heal, not just get really really high with your friends. You’re probably taking too much at a time right now, and you’re going on journeys deep into your psyche. When you’re ready, you can use the medicine to go deep within. For now, I can help you find the dose that is healing for you. And PJ, you can heal.

About PJ Letourneau:

Paul-Jean is a passionate advocate for neurodiversity. Drawing on personal experiences with autism and ADHD, he creates thought-provoking pieces that challenge societal norms and celebrate the unique strengths and perspectives of neurodivergent individuals. Through his writing on his Substack newsletter and other platforms, Paul-Jean shines a light on the importance of inclusivity and acceptance for those who process information differently.

Effective Cannabis Newsletter is a platform to educate on the vital role of the Endocannabinoid System (ECS) in one's health. The information is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All content, including text, graphics, images, and information contained in or available through this newsletter is for general information purposes only. It is not medical advice; it is health awareness.